Quotes By Author: Jon Stewart

“The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.”

“The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.”

“Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.”

“Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”

“If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.”

“The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.”

“By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”

“Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.”

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”

“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.”

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”