Quotes By Author: Steven Wright

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”