All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.”

“The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.”

“There aren’t any syringes.” Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. “I know you’ll use this wisely.””Wisely?” She snapped the syringe out of his hand. “No, I’m going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that’s what they trained me to do in medical school.”

“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”

“I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I’d already done it… does that make sense?”

“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”

“Okay,” I said. “Just a normal afternoon and two normal people.”She nodded. “And so…hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?””Oh…” I felt like one of Apollo’s sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. “Um…”

“Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.”

“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!”

“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”

“Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it.”

“Meaning what? We’re going to pretend nothing’s going on? That’s stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.”Have you been watching Oprah again?”

“Do not do that again,” he said stiffly.”Don’t kiss me back then,” I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. “I don’t give ‘Zen lessons’ to hear myself talk. I don’t give them because you’re another student. I’m doing this to teach you control.””You’re doing a great job,” I said bitterly.”

“As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?”