All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Here is a lesson in creative writing.First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I’m kidding.For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I’m kidding.We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I’m kidding.If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”

“I can’t give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you’d set it on fire.”

“Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy? “I try very hard to be annoying,” Leo said. “Don’t insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I’m a lowly mechanic. You’re like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I’m supposed to resent you.” “Lord of the Universe?” (Jason) “Sure, you’re all-bam! Lightning man. And ‘Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-” (Leo) “Shut up, Valdez.” (Jason) Leo managed a little smile. “Yeah, see. I do annoy you.” “I apologize for apologizing.” (Jason) “Thank you.” He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.”

“Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.”

“Do not do that again,” he said stiffly.”Don’t kiss me back then,” I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. “I don’t give ‘Zen lessons’ to hear myself talk. I don’t give them because you’re another student. I’m doing this to teach you control.””You’re doing a great job,” I said bitterly.”

“As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?”

“I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.”

“People talk too much. Humans aren’t descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.”

“Q: You’er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work!BKA (bird kid answer): Or you could just, like, fly over it.”

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”

“That was the funniest thing I’d heard in days.You’re kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than ‘fair is fair.’ Life isn’t FAIR, Dean….Nothing is fair, EVER. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, ‘I need you to help me so I won’t rip out your spine and beat you with it.’ I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.”

“Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.”

“I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.”

“I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.”

“I can’t go on, I’ll go on.”