All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Hello, Minister!” bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. “Did I mention I’m resigning?”

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

“Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘… Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.”

“An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.”

“Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.”

“Run first,’ Shane said. ‘Mourn later.’It was the perfect motto for Morganville.”

“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.”

“Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.”

“These books can’t possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time.” Faukman’s eyes went wide. “Don’t tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.””I was referring to the Bible.”Faukman cringed. “I knew that.”

“Is there any point asking what you’re going to make me do on Sunday?”Not really.’Okay. ‘Is there any point asking what you’re going to do to me?’He grinned wickedly. ‘Not really.’Fabulous. ‘Does it involve the use of a safe word?”That will depend entirely on you.’ Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. ‘I’ll be gentle,’ Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘You’re evil.’In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. ‘And you’re mine,’ he said, then walked away.”

“I hate you,” I muttered.Noah smiled wider. “I know.”

“His Majesty needs a can-I girl anyway. And I’m not it.””A can-I girl?” Andrea frowned. I leaned back. “‘Can I fetch your food, Your Majesty? Can I tell you how strong and mighty you are, Your Majesty? Can I pick your fleas, Your Majesty? Can I kiss your ass, Your Majesty? Can I…” It dawned on me that Raphael was sitting very still. Frozen, like a statue, his gaze fixed on the point above my head. “He’s standing behind me, isn’t he?” Andrea nodded slowly.”Technically it should be ‘may I’,” Curran said, his voice deeper than I remembered. “Since you’re asking for permission.” Why me? “To answer your question, yes, you may kiss my ass. Normally I prefer maintain my personal space, but you’re a Friend of the Pack and your services have proven useful once or twice. I strive to accommodate the wishes of persons friendly to my people. My only question is, would kissing my ass be obeisance, grooming, or foreplay?”

“Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm’s Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”

“You smell good,” he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled. “Really?” “Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.”

“He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.” “No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor.” Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“ Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.”