All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“The clerk is looking at me. His expression hasn’t changed. What I want to do is punch a hole in the front of the desk, reach through, grab his balls, and make him sing The Mickey Mouse Club song. But these days, I’m working on the theory that killing everyone I don’t like might be counterproductive. I’m learning to use my indoor voice like a big boy, so I smile back at the clerk.”

“North is a powerful man, and you’re still connected to him.” Flo frowned. “Probably sexual memory, those Capricorns are insatiable. Well, you know. Sea Goat. And of course, you’re a Fish. You’ll end up back in bed with him.”Andie slammed the car door. “You know what I’d like for Christmas, Flo? Boundaries. You can gift me early if you’d like.”

“One minute she acts like she wants to be with me and I’m the one rejecting her. The next, she’s got this barbed wire fence and barking dogs around her, like I can’t even ask her the simplest questions.””And here I was assuming you didn’t care about her.”Stabbing his fingers through his hair, he groaned, “I don’t!””And you make it perfectly clear.” Men. Idiots.”

“Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys–either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right. ”

“well I believe in commitment it’s just I, you know, I don’t stick to it.”

“I had a dream about you last night… shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.”

“I had a dream about you last night… you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.”

“I had a dream about you last night… You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.”

“I had a dream about you last night… you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.”

“I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.”

“I had a dream about you last night… you were crying over spilt ink screaming “the words, the what could have been beautiful words.”

“I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.”

“I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.”

“I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn’t handle the spiders.You couldn’t handle my drama.I moved back to the city.”

“I had a dream about you last night. It wasn’t until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.”