Quotes By Author: Garrison Keillor

“Just because we’re fictional characters doesn’t mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.–the people of Lake Woebegon”

“I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don’t see how he’s going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. He’d be the first.”Yes,” says Jesus, “you never know about these things.”He and Grandpa are drinking cups of coffee and eating ginger snaps. Grandpa says, “When are you planning to return to earth?”Soon as I finish this coffee,” say Jesus. “Pretty good, isn’t it.”

“A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.”

“And then I stand in front of God’s Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, ‘You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.’Please, God. I’m only fourteen years old. A teenager. Have mercy. Be loving.I was,’ says God. ‘For eons. And look at what it got me. You.’God turns in disgust, just the way Daddy does. ‘Sorry, but I’m the Creator. I take it personally. There are slugs and bugs and night-crawlers I feel better about having created – I mean, there are sparrows – I’ve got my eye on one right now. Is that sparrow consumed with lust? No. He mates in the spring and that’s the end of it. Consider the lilies. Do they think about lily tits all the time? No. They look not and they lust not, and yet I say unto you that you will never be half as attractive as they. Therefore, I say unto you, think not about peckers and boobs and all that nonsense and your Heavenly Father will see that you meet a good woman and marry her, just as I do for the sparrow and walleye – yea verily, even the night-crawler and the eelpout. But I’ve told you this over and over for nineteen centuries. And now, verily, it’s too late. Time’s up, buster. Lights out! Game’s over!”

“The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.”

“When in doubt, look intelligent.”

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”

“I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. ”