Quotes By Author: Stephen Colbert

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I’ve ever written, and I hope it’s the first book you’ve ever read. Don’t make a habit of it.”

“So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”

“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”