Quotes By Author: dave barry

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

“Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.”

“Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!”

“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”

“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ”

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. ”

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

“Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? ”

“As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”

“Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. ”

“I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.’ I could not have phrased it better myself.”

“Perhaps you are thinking: ‘But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.’Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: ‘Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?’Don’t be silly. You have a tank, right?”

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.”

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”