All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“After a dream like that, you’re grateful that it was just a dream, that no matter how bad your actual life, it couldn’t be worse than your dream life. ”

“Pay attention to me.”

“Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is not his anymore, and that the crisis is him.”

“A man once said, ‘All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.’ Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do.”

“This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn’t – that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.”

“Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”“No.”“Then to me you are Paul.”…“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.“My mother never calls me Nathan.”“Is it Nate?”“She calls me Honeylips.”

“You called me at four thirty-four….I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.”

“She’s under duress,” Peaseblossom said.”I don’t care if she’s under duress, over it, or alongside it,” Moth said. “Nothing in this world supersedes cake.”

“Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.”

“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell”

“Easy. Peasy”

“Jesus Christ, will you quit dictating this conversation to Hannah?’ I grumble. ‘Bros before hos, dude.”Call my girlfriend a ho one more time and you won’t have a bro.”

“You can’t save everyone, though God knows you try.”

“Statement: A girl and a boy jump into a river. The boy swims over to the girl and says, “God, it’s cold.”Question: What’s the probability they will kiss?”

“Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who’s about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she’s just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope….But no pressure.”