All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.”

“And Flock Rule Number Two is, Don’t argue with Max or you’ll live to regret it.” I spun and stomped out to the clearing, turning back for one last jab at Dylan. “And by the way, you clearly DON’T know me better than Fang does. Do you see Fang arguing with me? No, you do not.”Fang rolled his eyes.”

“What is humor?’ one of their professors had posed, and he had answered, ”nondangerous, unexpectedly inappropriate juxtaposition.”

“Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?”

“Nat: Maybe you broke something.Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!Nat: Ah, it’s nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That’s the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again.”

“I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.” “Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?” “Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?” “Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?”

“The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.”

“Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn’t automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don’t get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver’s seat and come round and open the car door for you. That’s his job!”

“There must be a mistake,” I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. “That’s a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?”

“I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.”

“He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap.”Ah,” he said. “Must deactivate the security….Turn around, please.””What?””Turn around, Claire. It’s a secure password!””You have GOT to be kidding.””Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.”

“Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where’s your coffee? You’ve got coffee, haven’t you? C’mon, everyone’s got coffee! Spill the beans!”

“Heifer.”“Rich man’s whore!”“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!”

“I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don’t know how to account for it, but it is so.””It may be Nature’s provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.”

“Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?””It depends on whether or not I get an answer.”