All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.”

“I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I’m sympathetic, it usually means I haven’t been around people in awhile.”

“This was very exciting. I’d never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn’t much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn’t Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.”

“You are putting yourself in serious danger…’I think that I preferred to put myself in serious danger rather than confront my shame. My shame at not having become someone, the shame of not having made my parents proud after all the sacrifices they had made for me. The shame of having become a mediocre nihilist.”

“As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.”

“Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)”

“Zoo-Wee Mama!”

“You know, I can see more than just the future or the past.””Really?” I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. “Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too. Like, right now, I sense that I’m in a messy room with a total toolbox.”

“What’s the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?”

“Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn’t otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there’s that carb fog while you’re standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it’s over and you feel…used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you’re mad at Dove, too.”

“I’m amazing and studly, but I have limits.”

“You told me I was the best sex you’d ever had in your life…You couldn’t get enough…At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.”

“If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.”

“I hate the vamp jobs. They think they’re so suave. It’s not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy.”

“I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is.” Summer says. “Yeah, I agree,” said August. “Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?”