All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.”

“Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It’s made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!”

“In life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s because they’re stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance… Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.”

“Reyna sent me to get Percy,” Frank said. “Did Octavian accept you?””Yeah,” Percy said. “He slaughtered my panda.”

“Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.”

“Poison!” Grover yelped. “Don’t let those things touch you or…””Or we’ll die?” I guessed.”Well…after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.””Let’s avoid the swords,” I decided.”

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.”

“Did you ever want to set someone’s head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you’re the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I’ll find you. Oh, yes.”

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”

“I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.””I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.””I am your loyal servant and I just did.””Refusal means death.””Kill me then.”

“Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies”

“He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.”

“I quote others only in order the better to express myself.”

“You’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.”

“I’ve always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.”