All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I’d stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people’s chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess to Almighty God). They’d kneel (and to you my brothers and sisters), cast their eyes demurely down (I have sinned through my own fault), and stick out their tongues (in my thoughts and in my words). Their tongues would shine, reflected in the gold platter, and since the wafer was dry, the girls would maybe lick their lips (and I ask Blessed Mary ever virgin, all the angels and saints, and you my brothers and sisters) before they swallowed (to pray for me to the Lord our God). It was all I could do not to pass out.”

“But when I make a good [taxidermy] mount I feel like I beat God in a small way. As though the Almighty said, Let such critter be dead, and I said, ‘Fuck You, he can still play the banjo.”

“You were baptized?””My sister told me that yes, Father baptized me shortly after birth. My mother was a Protestant of a faith that deplored infant baptism, so they had a quarrel about it.” The Bishop held out his hand to lift the Speaker to his feet. The Speaker chuckled. “Imagine. A closet Catholic and a lapsed Mormon, quarreling over religious procedures that they both claimed not to believe in.”

“A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.”

“You frighten me, when you say there isn’t time.””I don’t see why. Christians have been expecting the imminent end of the world for millennia.””But it keeps not ending.””So far, so good.”

“You were the one who threatened us with an Inquisitor,” the Bishop reminded him. With a smile.The Speaker’s smile was just as chilly. “And you’re the one who told the people I was Satan and they shouldn’t talk to me.”

“New Rule: There’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!”

“At the Temple of the Seven-Handed Sek a hasty convocation of priests and ritual heart-transplant artisans agreed that the hundred-span-high statue of Sek was altogether too holy to be made into a magic picture, but a payment of two rhinu left them astoundedly agreeing that perhaps He wasn’t as holy as all that.A prolonged session at the Whore Pits produced a number of colourful and instrutive pictures, a number of which Rincewind concealed about his person for detailed perusal in private. As the fumes cleared from his brain he began to speculate seriously as to how the iconograph worked.”

“I don’t ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.”

“Tim Minchin’s musings on Tony, the first ‘fish’ ever to have feet:Imagine what Tony would think, standing there on his brand new feet on the brink of the beginnings of mankind as we know it… if he could look forward just a few short… hundreds of millions of years… to see one of his descendants… an Israeli Jew by the name of Jesus, having a nail hammered through his feet… the very feet that Tony provided him with, as a punishment for having a, sort of, schizophrenic discourse with a God who was created by Mankind to explain the existence of feet in the absence of the knowledge of the existence of Tony.”

“There is nothing like being told to go fuck yourself by the same person who was, only days before, praying on your behalf.”

“As soon as we got back I ran upstairs and told everyone the story, thus telling everyone the alarm code, thus breaking one of the Ten Commandments when I lied and said I’d keep the code a secret. As I’ve known for a long, long time now, hell is going to be totally fucking worth it.”

“I shouldn’t be surprised. Catholicism is the ultimate loophole religion (sin, confess, repeat), so it makes sense that a priest would know better than anyone how to work the angles. Still, when you go to confession and say, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” you don’t expect him to say, “So, who hasn’t?”

“But you’ve always used words so wordily in crafty defense of your Trinity, although He never needed such defense before you got Him from me as a Unity.”

“That was rather interesting,’ Mercer said as he filled his coffee mug and passed the thermal carafe to John. ‘What do you say for dinner? “Blessed be the serial killers, or else the devil would have no one to torment.”