All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.”

“All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.”

“… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.”

“He who knows all the answers, but none of the questions is like a large gobbling bird on Thanksgiving.”

“I had a dream about you. We couldn’t decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.”

“Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!”Talk?’ He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. ‘We talk all the time, Raine. I’ve never had such talkative sex.”That’s just it!’ She wiggled, flailed, but couldn’t budge him. ‘Two minutes alone with you, and I’m flat on my back. Every single time!’A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. ‘Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top?”

“Miro, I’m so sorry. I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing at a time and your memories were so imperfect and . . . now I realize that just getting through the day without killing somebody can be an achievement.”It gets to be a habit. Most of us manage to keep our body count quite low. It’s the neighborly way to live.”

“First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend”

“I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.”

“Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.”

“I had a dream about you last night. We went to the store cupboard to make out, but we ended up sharing our pain and then crying together. We wasn’t prepared for this level of intimacy.”

“I had a dream about you last night… Unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream.”

“I had a dream about you last night… You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.”

“I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.”

“I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.”