All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“If a boy doesn’t respect his mother…run!”

“Mom has the Touch. She knows what flowers go with what occasions, what hors d’oeuvres work with what people. She believes passionately in the power of food to heal, restore, and stimulate relationships, and she has built a following of loyal customers who really hope she’s right. If she’s wrong, says Sonia, no one wants to know.”

“I couldn’t take much more of this. Being the object two men competed for wasn’t as glamorous as it sounded in the movies. The two men who both wanted one hundred percent of my time weren’t dashing, international playboys. They were undead and surprisingly immature, considering the youngest was just over a hundred years old.”

“I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin”

“For better or for worse, but not for lunch,…”

“There’s a cover for every pot, but I’ve never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. – Ellen Wasserfeldman, from Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman by Alisa Dana Steinberg”

“Ik wilde niet aan haar denken en me op de mantra concentreren: MAAA, zei ik bij het inademenen en OEEMMM bij het uitademen. MAAA… het was vast al bijna twee uur… OEEMMM. MAAA… je zou het niet zeggen, maar die lotushouding zat niet echt lekker…OEEMMM. MAAAA… als ik Jakob en Janus eens over Ticha vertelde? OEEMMMM. Nee, eerst maar eens zien wat er ging gebeuren… MAAAA… wat rook die wierook vreselijk…OEEMMM. MAAA… komt Ticha alleen of neemt ze een paar van die wezens mee met wie ze werkt? OEEMMM. MAAAA… au, au, au ik heb kramp in mijn rechterbeen!”

“God can use the jawbone of an ass!”

“I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts spray-painted red in a series of packages that also included ransom notes. Then, towards the end of the dream, the cops surrounded my cave and swarmed in to arrest me. Sweating, my eyes shot open, and I realized it was a dream. “Of course it’s a dream,” I thought. “The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”
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“Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.”

“These guys may not talk too much about relationships, but they sure do blush at telling moments, don’t they? Maybe that’s the key to understanding the opposite sex; I could invent a science, call it blushology.”

“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I’d just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you’d been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss. 
”

“I help others because I can, not because I expect something in return.”

“Closure /klōZHər/ Noun1. The thing women tell you what they want, but secretly they really want you to tell them why you don’t want them again, so they can try one last time to convince you that you were wrong. 2. The warped mentality that having someone tell you honestly why they don’t want you is going to somehow make you feel peace, so you can move on.3. The neat packaging of finishing conversations because you have been stewing over it insecurely about the length of what a stalker does. 4. The one thing women don’t give themselves because if they didn’t care about the jerk they wouldn’t still be hanging onto another conversation that tells them what they already know: He just isn’t that interested in you.5. The anal retentive art of perfecting every ending with meaning, rather than just excepting you went through something rather sucky and he doesn’t care.6. The act of closing something with someone, when in reality you should slam the door.”

“You want him praising the Lord in the morning, you put a smile on his face tonight.”