All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Learning the difference between God’s intervention, the devil’s mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness.”

“I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and I knew you were probably sensitive about parties that emphasize the aging process, so I decided to box up your gift in a coffin and wrap it with black wrapping paper. I got you the best gift ever too—a hooker, who happened to be dead, because that enabled me to procure a sizeable discount.
”

“I had a dream about you. We were in a canoe, and we were paddling across the desert. You said you were thirsty, and I pointed to the sand that surrounded us and said, “No, I will not urinate in your mouth.” At that point I woke up, because I realized I really had to pee—and get a drink of water.
”

“I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many—a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you—all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn’t think so either. 
”

“I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop. 
”

“Can I have a glass of water?” Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She’d always sounded like that after they’d-He didn’t just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive.”

“I am sorry the only outlet for her troubled mind was in clumsy foreplay with an inadequate partner.”He threw the rest of her sandwich at the swinging door as she passed through it.”

“Cáel sighed. “Look, right now? Either you want Rose, or you don’t. If you do—and, quite frankly, it’s obvious to me that you do—then give the woman a break and give yourself some credit for not being a whack job. Women are strange creatures, Gray, and she isn’t a mind reader. Who the hell knows what kind of conclusions she’s drawn over your behavior? Shit or get off the pot.”It was a good thing Gray wasn’t drinking anything, or he’d have choked on that one. “That’s your advice on love? ‘Shit or get off the pot’?”

“Okay, then, what was he like? Just give me something to go on so that I have a shot at him!”A shot at him? Are you on an elk hunt?”

“We men are fascinated by the things we don’t really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.”

“LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.”

“I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC.
”

“I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone’s sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.
”

“I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.
”

“If a boy doesn’t respect his mother…run!”