All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.”

“When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.”

“To me, nudity is a joke. I don’t think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be the standard thing. Imagine, stripping a woman down, and she has a body like a little submarine. With periscope, propellers, torpedoes. That would be the one for me. I’d marry her right off and be faithful to the end.”

“When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.”

“Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.””You’ll be just as annoying?” I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. “Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals.”I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared.”Oh, very funny!” I yelled.”

“Yeah, well, food’s one of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfigurations,” said Ron, to general astonishment.”

“This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?”“Yes,” said Harry, still breathing hard.“You’re quite sure of that, are you, Potter?”“Yes,” said Harry, with a touch more defiance.“This is the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?”“Yes,” said Harry firmly.“Then why,” asked Snape, “does it have the name ‘Roonil Wazlib’ written inside the front cover?”Harry’s heart missed a beat. “That’s my nickname,” he said.”

“Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth”

“Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?””I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy’s house at night and throw up in his mailbox.”

“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.”

“When it came time for me to give my talk on the subject, I started off by drawing an outline of the cat and began to name the various muscles.The other students in the class interrupt me: “We *know* all that!””Oh,” I say, “you *do*? Then no *wonder* I can catch up with you so fast after you’ve had four years of biology.” They had wasted all their time memorizing stuff like that, when it could be looked up in fifteen minutes.”

“How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments – ““Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to – ”“Stalk me.”“ – delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.”

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

“Shee, you guys are so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off.”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”