All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“I’m looking into my past lives. I’m convinced some of them still owe me money.”

“Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command”

“The philosopher Diogenes was eating bread and lentils for supper. He was seen by the philosopher Aristippus, who lived comfortably by flattering the king. Said Aristippus, ‘If you would learn to be subservient to the king you would not have to live on lentils.’Said [author:Diogenes|3213618, ‘Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king”.”

“The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.”

“Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, ‘atheism’ is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a ‘non-astrologer’ or a ‘non-alchemist.’ We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.”

“Cats don’t need to be possessed; they’re evil on their own.”

“Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.”

“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”

“You know how to shoot?”- Emma”Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert.” – Heather”What happened to him?” -Shanna”He was…shot.” -Heather”

“You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”

“George Bush isn’t Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.”

“We do need a system, and we do need you and your ‘Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. – Quinn”

“Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I’ll send some flowers to your inner child.”

“Millard! Who’s the prime minister?””Winston Churchill,” he said. “Have you gone daft?””What’s the capital of Burma?””Lord, I’ve no idea. Rangoon?””Good! When’s your birthday?””Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!”

“Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.”