All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“It is the iron.” Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws.”This close to the false king’s realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders.”Puck snorted.”Doesn’t seem like it’s affecting you much, Cat.”That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things.””Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?”

“How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, “Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?” To which the man responded, “That’s your worry.”

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”

“What’s this about?””Finally. Interest,” was the only response.”If this is one of your tricks…” Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly complained about the lack of female companionship in town. The plastic “ladies” had stared our from every corner, their wide eyes and let-me-suck-you mouths taunting everyone who passed them.Things like that happened when Torin was bored.”

“i told you he’d freak out, she siad. didn’t i?ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move”

“Leo frowned at the giant’s spire. “Can’t we blow it up or something?””Without me, you do not have the power,” Hera said. “You might as well try to destroy a mountain.””Done that once today,” Jason said.”

“Hermes smiled. “I knew a boy once … oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really.”Here we go again, George said. Always talking about himself.Quiet! Martha snapped. Do you want to get set on vibrate?Hermes ignored them. “One night, when this boy’s mother wasn’t watching, he sneaked out of their cave and stole some cattle that belonged to Apollo.””Did he get blasted to tiny pieces?” I asked.”Hmm … no. Actually, everything turned out quite well. To make up for his theft, the boy gave Apollo an instrument he’d invented-a lyre. Apollo was so enchanted with the music that he forgot all about being angry.”So what’s the moral?””The moral?” Hermes asked. “Goodness, you act like it’s a fable. It’s a true story. Does truth have a moral?””Um …””How about this: stealing is not always bad?””I don’t think my mom would like that moral.”Rats are delicious, suggested George.What does that have to do with the story? Martha demanded.Nothing, George said. But I’m hungry.”I’ve got it,” Hermes said. “Young people don’t always do what they’re told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment. How’s that?”

“Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: “The groin. The Earthborn’s groin is sensitive.”SMASH!”Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.”

“There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.”

“They don’t fit you?” V asked his roommate. “Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People.” Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. “I mean, come on.””They’re for fighting, not fashion.””So are kilts, but you don’t see me rocking the tartan.””And thank God for that. You’re too bowlegged to pull that shit off.”Butch assumed a bored expression. “You can bite me.”

“Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.”

“A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn’t notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.”

“I’m a girl of extremes. When I love something, I’m like a puppy dog (without all the licking). When I’m cranky, I’m a wasp (like a whole hive of ’em). And when I’m angry, I’m a Mother Bear with a predator after her cubs: Dangerous.”

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”

“Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let’s say you’re southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you’re sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you–do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale?”