All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“You! You tricked me! I never want to see you or that bottle of liquid arsenic again!”I chucked the empty moonshine jug at him. Or tried to. It missed him by a dozen feet.He picked it up in astonishment. “You drank the whole bloody thing? You were only supposed to have a few sips!”“Did you say that? Did you?” He reached me just as I felt the ground tip. “Didn’t say anything. I’ve got those names, so that’s all that matters, but you men…you’re all alike. Alive, dead, undead—all perverts! I had a drunken pervert in my pants! Do you know how unsanitary that is?”Bones held me upright. I would have protested, but I couldn’t remember how to. “What are you saying?”“Winston poltergeisted my panties, that’s what!” I announced with a loud hiccup.“Why, you scurvy, lecherous spook!” Bones yelled in the direction of the cemetery. “If my pipes still worked, I’d go right back there and piss on your grave!”

“I still can’t believe,” Michael said, sotto voce, “that you came to the Vampires’ Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.”

“Boys are like purses. You’re always gonna have that one boy that you’re always comfortable with and you know you’ll always kind of like. That’s your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don’t want to be seen with”

“Death should take me while I am in the mood.”

“Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the Lord knows they have not been few or little, I think that I have been the biggest.”

“Her name is Brienne,” Jaime said. “Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?”Her broad homely face turned red. “Yes.””Oh, good,” Jaime said. “I only rescue maidens.”

“Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler.”Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I’m far more than just a ‘mild’ annoyance–people tell me I can be downright frustrating. Might as well use this talent for the cause of good, eh?”

“I’m very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.”

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

“Ack!” I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that’s me.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”

“Find something useful to do with your morning,’ she thought to him as she neared her chambers. ‘Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one’s looking and then rescue him.”

“A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, “Ouch. What in the hell was that for?” “Your timing sucks on an epic level,” Daemon shot back.”