All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.”

“I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.”

“It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part of my personality, my me-ness, persist? What will that feel like? What will I do all day? Is there a place to plug in my laptop?”

“It is clear that men accept an immediate pain rather than an immediate pleasure, but only because they expect a greater pleasure in the future. Often the pleasure is illusory, but their error in calculation is no refutation of the rule. You are puzzled because you cannot get over the idea that pleasures are only of the sense; but, child, a man who dies for his country dies because he likes it as surely as a man eats pickled cabbage because he likes it.”

“Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you’ve never noticed, the dead are always on time.”

“The landscape is best described as ‘pedestrian hostile.’ It’s pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.”

“I’m going to get ‘I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD’ tattooed on my chest.””That will become inaccurate at some point, ” Omar pointed out.”

“Give a poet a pen”

“The busybody (banned as sexist, demeaning to older women) who lives next door called my daughter a tomboy (banned as sexist) when she climbed the jungle (banned; replaced with “rain forest”) gym. Then she had the nerve to call her an egghead and a bookworm (both banned as offensive; replaced with “intellectual”) because she read fairy (banned because suggests homosexuality; replace with “elf”) tales.I’m tired of the Language Police turning a deaf ear (banned as handicapism) to my complaints. I’m no Pollyanna (banned as sexist) and will not accept any lame (banned as offensive; replace with “walks with a cane”) excuses at this time.If Alanis Morrissette can play God (banned) in Dogma (banned as ethnocentric; replace with “Doctrine” or “Belief”), why can’t my daughter play stickball (banned as regional or ethnic bias) on boy’s night out (banned as sexist)? Why can’t she build a snowman (banned, replace with “snow person”) without that fanatic (banned as ethnocentric; replace with “believer,” “follower,” or “adherent”) next door telling her she’s going to hell (banned; replaced with “heck” or “darn”)?Do you really think this is what the Founding Fathers (banned as sexist; replace with “the Founders” or “the Framers”) had in mind? That we can’t even enjoy our Devil (banned)-ed ham sandwiches in peace? I say put a stop to this cult (banned as ethnocentric) of PC old wives’ tales (banned as sexist; replace with “folk wisdom”) and extremist (banned as ethnocentric; replace with “believer,” “follower,” or “adherent”) conservative duffers (banned as demeaning to older men).As an heiress (banned as sexist; replace with “heir”) to the first amendment, I feel that only a heretic (use with caution when comparing religions) would try to stop American vernacular from flourishing in all its inspirational (banned as patronizing when referring to a person with disabilities) splendor.”

“I’m Allen Walker!”My life….is over…I’m going to die….”

“Stars in the night,’ he said. ‘Something something something something, some delight”

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

“Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere,” said the toad. “You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is theirs.””But this is a real place!””So? That’s what they believe. Besides, they’re only small. Maybe the universe is a bit crowded and they have to put heavens anywhere there’s room? I’m a toad, so you’ll appreciate that I’m having to guess a lot here.”

“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”

“I can’t even make up a rhyme about an umbrella, let alone death and life and eternal peace.”