All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you’ll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, its our own expectations that crush us.”

“I tried to contain myself… but I escaped!”

“Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.”

“Progress just means bad things happen faster.”

“I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn’t notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.”

“Don’t leave it all unsaid,somewhere in the wasteland of your head.”

“If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.”

“Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began.”

“In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied “I love you back” and not “I love your back” before you continue the conversation.”

“That woman doesn’t have the sense God gave a retarded flea.”

“My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.”

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.”

“I’ve been embarrassing myself since about birth.”

“If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying ‘THIS IS IT!’? … I mean, why do that if you really don’t want them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it’s all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you’ve built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can’t be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire.”

“Isn’t it strange that I know you’d risk your life to save mine, but I don’t even know what your favorite color is?”