All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“You have to watch your language. People will think you have no fucking class”

“I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!”

“There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, “He’s an old soppy really, just poke him if he’s a nuisance,” and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker.”

“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another — the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.”

“Mr Lorry asks the witness questions:Ever been kicked? Might have been.Frequently? No. Ever kicked down stairs? Decidedly not; once received a kick at the top of a staircase, and fell down stairs of his own accord.”

“The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.”

“And empty words are evil.”

“How would you feel about sharing your bed?” she asked. Tristan blinked. “Excuse me?” “He’d love to!” Gary said. Tristan shot him a look, “Good,” said Ivy, failing to notice Gary’s wink. “Ella can be a pillow hog, but all you have to do is roll over her.”

“If you don’t make a few ememies now and then, you’re a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!- Angela to Eragon”

“Right, you’ve got a crooked sort of cross…” He consulted Unfogging the Future. “That means you’re going to have ‘trials and suffering’ — sorry about that — but there’s a thing that could be the sun… hang on… that means ‘great happiness’… so you’re going to suffer but be very happy…””You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me,” said Ron, and they both had to stifle their laughs as Professor Trelawney gazed in their direction.”

“Was that you, Pooky Bear?”

“If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.”

“How did you-“Fool your guards? They’re not very good, the forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.”Valek grinned. His angular face softened.”

“An open Facebook page is simply a psychiatric dry erase board that screams, “Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but you’re not cool enough to be my friend. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval of God is not all I need.”

“I still love him so much I’ll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I’ll do anything to destroy him.”