All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Mary-Lynnette: “You have not read ‘Pride and Prejudice’.”Ash: “Why not?”Mary-Lynnette: “Because Jane Austen was a human.”Ash: “How do you know?”Mary-Lynnette: “Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you’re a chauvinist pig.”Ash: “Yes, well, that I can’t argue.”

“Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something.”Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn’t even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?”

“Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.”

“It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see…””You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?””No,” said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him, “nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people.””Odd,” said Arthur, “I thought you said it was a democracy.””I did,” said Ford. “It is.””So,” said Arthur, hoping he wasn’t sounding ridiculously obtuse, “why don’t people get rid of the lizards?””It honestly doesn’t occur to them,” said Ford. “They’ve all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they’ve voted in more or less approximates to the government they want.””You mean they actually vote for the lizards?””Oh yes,” said Ford with a shrug, “of course.””But,” said Arthur, going for the big one again, “why?””Because if they didn’t vote for a lizard,” said Ford, “the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?””What?””I said,” said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, “have you got any gin?””I’ll look. Tell me about the lizards.”Ford shrugged again.”Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happenned to them,” he said. “They’re completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone’s got to say it.””But that’s terrible,” said Arthur.”Listen, bud,” said Ford, “if I had one Altairian dollar for every time I heard one bit of the Universe look at another bit of the Universe and say ‘That’s terrible’ I wouldn’t be sitting here like a lemon looking for a gin.”

“This is the best night of my life,” Raffy says, crying.”Raffy, half our House has burnt down,” I say wearily. “We don’t have a kitchen.””Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?” she asks. “We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets.”Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.”

“Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.”

“The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn’t sure it was worth all the effort.”

“I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to”

“I’m sorry,” he says.”What? Why?””You’re fixing everything I set down.” He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. “It wasn’t polite of me to come in and start touching your things.””Oh, it’s okay,” I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. “You can touch anything of mine you want.”He freezes. A funny look runs across his face before I realize what I’ve said. I didn’t mean it like that.Not that that would be so bad.”

“Bishop was all done with the witty conversation. ‘Will you swear?’And Myrnin said, shockingly, ‘I will.’ And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, ‘—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!’ and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. ‘Is that what you meant, my lord?”

“St. Clair clears his throat. ‘My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I’d ask you all to join us, but I don’t want you there.”

“I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.”

“We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call ‘misdirected rage’. I believe the technical term is being an ass.”

“Some things are fairly obvious when it’s a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them”

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”