All Quotes By Tag: Humour

“Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.”

“They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.”

“I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.”

“You can’t always be right, but you can be wrong a lot less”

“No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.”

“It smells terrible in here.’Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.”

“Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, “You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.”

“The church has never been asked to explain anything, our speciality, along with ballistics, has always been the neutralisation of the overly curious mind through faith.”

“Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards”

“Sorry. i just can’t seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn’t know what to think, how to act. I’ll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.”

“Rhett: If you’ve made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction.”

“This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn’t – that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.”

“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell”

“Laughter is the antidote to existential pain”

“If you think fate is fickle, try tempting it”