All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”

“When I grow up, I’d like to be dangerous.”

“I comma square bracket recruit’s name square bracket comma do solemnly swear by square bracket recruit’s deity of choice square bracket to uphold the Laws and Ordinances of the City of Ankh-Morpork comma serve the public truƒt comma and defend the ƒubjects of his ƒtroke her bracket delete whichever is inappropriate bracket Majeƒty bracket name of reigning monarch bracket without fear comma favour comma or thought of perƒonal ƒafety semi-colon to purƒue evildoers and protect the innocent comma comma laying down my life if neceƒsary in the cauƒe of said duty comma so help me bracket aforeƒaid deity bracket full stop Gods Save the King stroke Queen bracket delete whichever is inappropriate bracket full stop.”

“The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that’s even worse”

“Bite me, Harry Potter.”

“I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. –Stephanie Plum”

“I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson”

“But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!””Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”

“Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.”

“If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.”

“Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven’t met that guy yet. When you meet him, let’s get him in to the Smithsonian – he’s that special and rare.”

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.”

“Tomorrow was my second chance to make things right but it never came. I’m sorry I never treasured the time we had for those regrets I take the blame. You gave everything you had. I took without giving back.” Sed paused in his song, feeling ridiculous for singing it to her while they made love.“Baby, you realize this song is about Trey’s dead dog, don’t you?”

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”

“My beard grows down to my toes,I never wears no clothes,I wraps my hairAround my bare,And down the road I goes.”