All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.”

“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”

“Oh, look at that, he’s heard of me. My fame grows.”

“Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it’s startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are ‘We’re number two!”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“One of the greatest myths in the world – & the phrase ‘greatest myths’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘big fat lies’ — is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.”

“Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.”

“That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.”

“If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”

“Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It’s the crack cocaine of the literary world.”

“Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.”

“Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page,” Radar said. “For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don’t think it’s accurate to say, ‘Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried.”

“If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.”

“I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I’m definitely not religious, and I’m very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people’s behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there’s nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don’t know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said ‘If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.’This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.”

“They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.”