All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.”

“Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?””Only once” said Hermione stung. “I got you loads more then you got me—””I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—””Well if you’re counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand—”

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

“Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed.Cool.”

“the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. “Is that a coatrack?”Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. “If you’d been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.””Yes,” said Jace. “Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.”

“This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.”

“Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;In my own way, and with my full consent.Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarelyWent to their deaths more proud than this one went.Some nights of apprehension and hot weepingI will confess; but that’s permitted me;Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keepingRubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.If I had loved you less or played you slylyI might have held you for a summer more,But at the cost of words I value highly,And no such summer as the one before.Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,I shall have only good to say of you.”

“Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“You’re still here. No beer. I’m not corrupting a minor.””But you’re a minor,” she pointed out. “At least for beer.””Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I’m an adult if I kill somebody, and I’m not if I want a beer?”

“In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.”

“One of the greatest myths in the world – & the phrase ‘greatest myths’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘big fat lies’ — is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.”

“Death, taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.”

“My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it’ll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It’s like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.”

“Wear that scarf,” he said, pointing to a blue cashmere scarf hanging on a peg. “It matches your eyes.”Alec looked at it. Suddenly he was filled with hate – for the scarf, for Magnus, and most of all for himself. “Don’t tell me,” he said. “The scarf’s a hundred years old, and it was given to you by Queen Victoria right before she died, for special services to the Crown or something.”Magnus sat up. “What’s gotten into you?”Alec stared at him. “Am I the newest thing in this apartment?””I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He’s only two.””I said newest, not youngest,” Alec snapped.”