All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ I hear. ‘Can we please just try to have a good time?’ This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.”

“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

“No, Lucius is harmless,’ I fibbed. If you don’t count the fact that he thinks he’s a warrior prince representing a semi-cannibalistic race of undead bat people.”

“You’re under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business”

“Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: “Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that.” Some photographers are compulsively effusive. “Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous!” they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It’s hard to take because it’s more positive feedback than you’ve received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, “Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You’re breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You’re going very fast, yes!”

“I’m not looking for the perfect man. I’m looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with.”

“How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.”

“Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?”

“It seemed Lady Luck hated me worse than usual.”

“Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy.””Okay.””That second bit was a joke. We both know you can’t hold your liquor.”

“Don’t do anything stupid.””Don’t worry,” I whispered over the line, “I’m an expert on stupid.””You’re…””Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.””Never say that word again,” Prof said.”

“There was a sound like a human yawn, and then the skull turned slightly toward me and asked, “What’s up, boss?””Evil’s afoot.””Well, sure,” Bob said, “because it refuses to learn the metric system. Otherwise it’d be up to a meter by now.”

“The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”

“If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.”