All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.”

“He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.” Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.” He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?” “I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.”

“You’re getting into some kind of shape, cop.”Aw, come on, now.” Butch grinned. “Don’t let that shower we took go to your head.”Rhage fired a towel at the male. “Just pointing out your beer gut’s gone.”It was a Scotch pot. And I don’t miss it.”

“Did someone just call me the wine dude?” he asked in a lazy drawl. “It’s Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don’t-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.”

“Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don’t read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.Watch exercise shows on television, but don’t do the exercises. Practice believing that the benefit lies in imagining yourself doing the exercises.Don’t power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap.”

“Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can’t hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don’t see the big picture.”

“I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.”

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”

“You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.”

“I was just kidding, shuck-face,” Minho said. “Let’s all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers.””Psycho girl ninjas?” Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho’s additude.”

“As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don’t bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it’s very powerful, and should be used sparingly.”

“Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He’s actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian’s mother”

“What grinds me the most is we’re sending kids out into the world who don’t know how to balance a checkbook, don’t know how to apply for a loan, don’t even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world`With that said, I’ll admit even I can see how looking at the equation x -3 = 19 and knowing x =22 can be useful. I’ll even say knowing x =7 and y= 8 in a problem like 9x – 6y= 15 can be helpful. But seriously, do we all need to know how to simplify (x-3)(x-3i)??And the joke is, no one can continue their education unless they do. A student living in California cannot get into a four-year college unless they pass Algebra 2 in high school. A future psychologist can’t become a psychologist, a future lawyer can’t become a lawyer, and I can’t become a journalist unless each of us has a basic understanding of engineering.Of course, engineers and scientists use this shit all the time, and I applaud them! But they don’t take years of theater arts appreciation courses, because a scientist or an engineer doesn’t need to know that ‘The Phantom of the Opoera’ was the longest-running Broadway musical of all time.Get my point?”

“This emotion I’m feeling now, this is love, right?””I don’t know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you’re with me?””Yes,” she said.”That’s influenza,” said Miro. “Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.”

“His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her. He worshipped her. He’d walk across fire for her. He——still had the audience of her three brothers.Slowly breaking the kiss, he turned his face to the side. Anthony, Benedict, and Colin were still standing in the foyer. Anthony was studying the ceiling, Benedict was pretending to inspect his fingernails, and Colin was staring quite shamelessly.”