All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I’d better not miss it, because once you’re dead, it’s too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb.”

“Never mind that. What’s going on with you and Heath?”Annabelle pulled a little wide-eyed innocence out of her rusty bag of college acting skills.”What do you mean? Business.””Don’t give me that. We’ve been friends too long.”She switched to a furrowed brow. “He’s my most important client. You know how much this means to me.”Molly wasn’t buying it. “I’ve seen the way you look at him. Like he was a slot machine with triple sevens tattooed on his forehead. If you fall in love with him, I swear I’ll never speak toyou again.” Annabelle nearly choked. She’d known Molly would be suspicious, but she hadn’t expected an outright confrontation. “Are you nuts? Setting aside the fact that he treats me like a flunky, I’d never fall for a workaholic after what I’ve had to go through with my family.” Falling in lust, however, was an entirely different matter.”He has a calculator for a heart,” Molly said. “I thought you liked him.”

“Oh yeah? How about M’Lin the cursed?”

“Michael nodded tersely, eyeing a table across the room. It was empty. So empty. So joyfully, blessedly empty.He could picture himself a very happy man at that table.”Not feeling very conversational this evening, are we?” Colin asked, breaking into his (admittedly tame) fantasies.”

“He turned to her. “Didn’t you see the lightning strike the steeple?”She recovered with a sip of tea, then smiled sweetly. “I was listening too devotedly to the sermon.”“Claptrap last week,” Lady D announced. “I think the priest is getting old.”Gareth opened his mouth, but before he could say a word, his grandmother’s cane swung around in a remarkably steady horizontal arc. “Don’t,” she warned, “make a comment beginning with the words, ‘Coming from you…’”“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he demurred.“Of course you would,” she stated. “You wouldn’t be my grandson if you wouldn’t.” She turned to Hyacinth. “Don’t you agree?”To her credit, Hyacinth folded her hands in her lap and said, “Surely there is no right answer to that question.”“Smart girl,” Lady D said approvingly.“I learn from the master.”Lady Danbury beamed.”

“Lucy: I don’t understand men.Nettie: What is there to understand? If you feed ’em regular-like and give ’em a bit of ‘sugar’ now and then, they’re easy enough. And if they don’t behave, you just toss ’em out on their arses. That’s what I always say.”

“The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.”

“Often you don’t know whether you’re the hero of a romantic comedy or the villain on a Lifetime special until the restraining order arrives.”

“Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter’s wheel. That’s how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume of the lives of most gods suggests that their origins certainly couldn’t be divine. They tend to do exactly the things people would do if only they could, especially when it comes to nymphs, golden showers, and the smiting of your enemies.”

“I’m not scared of death, I just don’t want to seek it out.”

“I know LSD; I don’t need to take it anymore. Maybe when I die, like Aldous Huxley.”

“Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.”

“I know about safe sex,” Nathan said, interrupting Jack’s thoughts. Jack swallowed. “That’s good.” He smiled at his son, vastly relieved that there would be no hard questions about his own sex life. “What I want to know is…” Nathan stole a quick look back at the tent. “Where is the clitoris exactly?” Jack’s smile fell and he opened his mouth. No words came out so he closed it. Nathan had no problem forming his words, though. “And what the heck is a G-spot?”

“Mom,” Nathan called to her.Daisy pulled her gaze from the tent and the fleeting glimpse of Jack’s bare back, the smooth planes and indent of his spine, the sliver of the white elastic just above the blue waistband of his jeans…”Hmm?””What’s a faaar ant?” he asked just above a whisper.”Fire.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Fire ant. They have a nasty bite that burns.”Nathan smiled. “Well, why didn’t he just say fire?””He thinks he did.”

“Sable hair bisected his pecs and arrowed down to the straight and unequivocal statement of his returned interest. Forcing my gaze to his face, I said, “I really don’t think we have time for that.””You know that, and I know that, but HE doesn’t believe it.””Believe it,” I told HIM.J.X.’s mouth tugged into one of those heart-stopping smiles. “Maybe you should whisper in his ear.”