All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, “Well this isn’t too bad, I don’t have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I’m left-handed or right-handed,” but most of us would say something more along the lines of, “Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!”

“RésuméRazors pain you,Rivers are damp,Acids stain you,And drugs cause cramp.Guns aren’t lawful,Nooses give,Gas smells awful.You might as well live.”

“I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it’s more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored”

“French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.”

“Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.”

“To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.”

“Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.”

“Are you always a smartass?’Nope. Sometimes I’m asleep.”

“The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”

“Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.”

“As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?”

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.”

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”