All Quotes By Tag: Humor

“Each one of us comes out of our mother’s body crying, with or without exceptions. But we are not aware of it. Are you? Do you remember that you cried the very first time you come out of your mother’s body? If not, then why are you crying now?”

“The best fiction is true.”

“You taste like sugar,” he pants through a smile, still out of breath.”Somehow I doubt that. But I appreciate the thought.”

“In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO NOT EAT for a reason. Somewhere sometime some genius bought a pair of sneakers and said Ooooh look. They give you free mints with the shoes”

“After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, “When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, ‘That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us.”

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,’ I said, sighing.’Is it?’ said Veronica, looking surprised. ‘Universally acknowledged? Surely that presupposes life similar to human societies beyond this planet, and besides–”No, no, it’s a quote from … Never mind,’ I said.”

“She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.”

“Smartass Disciple: Master, I’m going to change the whole world.Master of Stupidity: It changes within you. It changes without you.”

“In those moments it’s hard to remember that an angry voice is an invisible thing incapable of drawing blood.”

“The sight of her made him understand why he’d lost his faith in God.”

“I love you too, I wanted to say with as much hurtful sarcasm as I could muster, but she hadn’t seen me, and I kept quiet. I did love her, of course, but mostly just because loving your mother is mandatory, not because she’s someone I think I’d like very much if I met her walking down the street. Which she wouldn’t be anyway; walking is for poor people”

“A true friend doesn’t have guts; they beat you up and later plead with you to beat them back.”

“Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.”

“Here are the Top Ten things that your parents say to you:-Is that all you’re going to do all day, sit in front of the computer?-When I was your age I had two jobs.-Why don’t you wear some clothes that fir for a change?-Turn it down. I can hear it all the way over here.-You’re not eating that for dinner.-Did you do your homework?-Stop mumbling and speak up.-Now what did you do?-Because I said so.-No.”

“When did swearing become so easy? You still would never swear in front of your parents or most adults, but when you’re with your friends it’s like every fifth word. Why couldn’t learning Spanish be that easy?”