All Quotes By Tag: Humor
“One of the main functions of a push-up bra is to lower the number of mothers who seem like mothers.”
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“She was walking toward the beauty shop when Shay came out the door moving fast. The first thing Jill noticed was Shay’s hair and how it appeared really big. As Shay drew closer, Jill realized she looked like she was wearing a mask with big blue streaks over the eyes and giant red pouty lips. “What happened to you?” Jill asked in shock. “I’m not sure,” Shay said, looking just as stunned. “One minute, I was reading a magazine, and the next, two women that looked like Dolly Parton descended on me like vultures. They started putting stuff on my face, then they did all kinds of things to my hair.” Anne walked out of the shop next; her Napoleon hat ’do rode higher than ever. Ella followed with her little red hair ball reinflated. “Doesn’t Shay just look beautiful?” Ella chirped. She looked like a hooker who’d just survived a wind tunnel, but Jill nodded and tried to smile.”
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“Let’s get to our site,” Anne said. “I’m gonna need a nap before the hunt…and lunch.” “Do you wish you would’ve gotten that rental car this morning?” Jill whispered as Anne and Ella settled into their seats. Shay nodded. “Uh-huh.” Jill had seen many campgrounds, but her jaw sagged, and her foot slipped off the gas pedal twice. Sally rolled on slowly as she stared at the cadre of camouflaged vehicles and tents. One man sat atop his RV in a lawn chair, his binoculars trained on the woods beyond. “They really do take this seriously,” Shay whispered in awe. “This is like a militaristic zone.” Jill backed into a slip covered with a quilt of netting and camouflage tarps strung from the trees high overhead. “What is the reason for all of this?” she asked. “The campground is designed to blend in with nature to be more welcoming to the Bigfoot,” Anne explained. “That’s what they told us when we checked in.” “Oh, is that it? Well, let me just craft a banner that says, ‘We come in peace or bite-sized pieces,”’ Jill said with a sardonic laugh.”
“Many a death was precipitated by the food, the job, or the medication whose main function was to postpone it.”
“The kind of lies that someone tells us gives us an idea of how stupid, knowledgeable, intelligent, or ignorant they are … or they think we are.”
“When in court, the primary role of lawyers is not to prove or disprove innocence; unbeknown to almost all lawyers and their clients, it is to save the court time.”
“We are loved way more by some of the people who have not contacted us in the last twelve or so months than we are loved by some of those who contact us every twelve or so days … or hours.”
“Being bored is the price we pay for not being insane.”
“We all have problems. Or rather, everyone has at least one thing that they regard as a problem.”
“The death of a billionaire is worth more to the media than the lives of a billion poor people.”
“Premeditated anger is a bitch. Instead of saying, “Next time he does this, I will … “, say, “Next time he does that, I will show him more patience and more love. That’s premeditative love. She’s much sexier!”
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“Oh, dear God!” Janice bellowed and looked as though her neck was made of rubber as her head wobbled back and forth. Lou set the book back on the credenza as Janice stormed out. “Ashton, I’m sorry you had to witness that. As you well know, Mom has never been a pleasant woman. Since coming to live here, she’s been a nightmare on two legs. I’ve had her head examined, and there’s no tumor or disease to explain her behavior. The neurologist and our family doctor have simply diagnosed her as a chronic jackass.”
“More often than not, expecting to lose weight without first losing the diet that made the weight loss necessary is like expecting a pig to be spotless after hosing it down while it was still rolling in mud.”
“How was practice?” Shawna asked when Jet walked into the kitchen. “You must’ve worked hard again, you smell like a wet puppy.” “We did.” Jet grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. ” Your buddy said she was proud of us today.” “That’s good.” Shawna smiled as checked on their dinner. ” Are you starting to like her now?” I don’t want to beat her with my flagpole anymore, but I wouldn’t say I like her. Now your other friend is all up in the punch. Mrs. Scofield was at practice today passing out chocolate milk and telling us what to do with our glitter,” Jet said and took a drink of her water. Shawna glanced at Jet. “What’re you going to do with the glitter?” “Put it on my eyelids. Personally, I think we’re gonna look like sparkly hookers, but makeup isn’t my call…”
“Most human beings would have never been pained by the death of a human being if they had never seen a human being or pretending to be pained by that.”